CNN: Television's Great Orifice

April 1, 2005 - 6:44pm

Fox News, as a commercial broadcasting station, is far easier to defend than CNN. (hooked you) But, before I go too far into this rant, I did want to say a few kind words to about what CNN has done for me.

As a recovering masochists, I know all to well the difficulty of suppressing the daily temptation of a nice, sizzling, self-inflicted chemical burn on the back of my thigh. In the past, I would control my masochistic ways by subjecting myself to 4 hours of Microsoft Minesweeper, while listening to marathons of Weather Report, the Rippingtons, and the “best of” Lawrence Welk. Thankfully, though, I have now come to realize there is a better way…

I’ve come to bring you the good news – and I am speaking directly too you fellow recovering masochist brothers and sisters – you too can suppress ‘the urge’.  All you have to do is watch CNN for an hour. After the hour is up, you will ask yourself: “why am I doing this to myself?” And at that point, a chemical burn seems very disagreeable. Thank you CNN.

So, now that we’ve wrapped up that rather lengthy and unnecessary introduction, lets get to the controversial point that was this essay’s hook. CNN is a horrible station, and though Fox is horrible too… at least it is mildly entertaining.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “But Nick, CNN is on our side! Fox is on their side!” And to that, you silly talk-to-yourself-er hypothetical reader, I say: “It is my contention that the majority of CNN defenders reasoning goes no deeper than that.”  

Anyone who bothers to think will note that Fox news is 10 times more entertaining than CNN. The O’Reilly factor, for example, can usually keep me on the edge of my seat for a good 10-20 min. It gets my blood flowing; by the end of the show, I’m ready to dive head first into the TV and body slam Bill, and his arrogant drivel onto fox studio’s hard concrete floors. What does CNN have to offer in compariosn? Well, let’s start with Larry King.

What can one about Larry? I mean really think about this, hypothetical reader. Who is Larry King… and why does his head constantly appear on our TV screens? I’ve gone to great lengths to explore this question… and I challenge you to give a better answer.

Larry King is:

  1. That guy who wears suspenders, and insists on using old fashioned microphones as props.
  2. That guy whose face has been known to cause acid flashbacks.
  3. That guy on TV who talks to people and asks them questions.

I wish I could think of a better way to describe Larry, but alas, I cannot. And actually, writing this, I’ve become quite bored. And might I add, that I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the boredom hit me as soon as I started thinking about Larry King. Again, at least O’Reilly keeps me awake, and writing.

Who else is there? Wolf Blitzer… Aaron Brown… and you know what. If your still reading, I think you’ll respect my decision to not expand upon those “television personalities”.

God, see what CNN does to us?